So, the Big Hiatus. As I mentioned in the next comic and elsewhere, I was in my 2nd practicum block in the Faculty of Education, teaching grade 5 at a nice little elementary school in the next town over. The collaborating teacher was friendly, the other staff pleasant, the kids overall wonderful. And, it was the most stressful period of my entire life.

Yes of course it was a lot of work. I was prepared for that, at least partially. In the end it was not that I couldn’t handle the workload or produce competent results. It was that my heart just was not in education. I did not really want to be there. Maybe it was the leadership role, maybe it was the pressure of wanting the kids to succeed, maybe it was just that I couldn’t handle being an extrovert all day. Whatever it was, it had me lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling of my room with actual pain in my chest because I was so stressed out. Each night, I didn’t want to go to sleep because that meant it’d be the next day and I wasn’t prepared for that. One night I actually finished up the work I needed to do, so for once I didn’t need to worry, and then guess what? I spent the rest of the evening and the next morning flipping out because I felt like I must have been forgetting something.

Some days I’d finish up a day at school, get to my car and weep, actually cry, because some excusable mistake I’d made during the day was just piled on top of everything else and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I felt like I couldn’t quit and I couldn’t go on. I’d beat myself up on the drive home, arrive looking drained and say I was “just tired”. On the “up” side, I lost my appetite and a decent chunk of weight. But I kept trying to think the problem through and coming to the same point: if not education, then what? Everything in the last few years had been geared toward going into education and here I was being flattened out by it. What would I do with myself if I left?

People could tell that something was eating away at me but I have never been one to really, honestly open up about my personal problems and so I never spoke about it. One day, I finally hit my breaking point. I was staying at my parents’ place at the time, and I came down to supper and calmly announced that I was quitting. I couldn’t hack it and it was time to face that. After my parents got over their surprise they convinced me to talk to my Faculty Advisor about it. The act of talking was difficult but hugely calming, and in further conversations with her I took away two key pieces of advice that I should probably try and remember forever:

1.) Recognize that this is one path out of many and that there are always options open to you elsewhere. You should never feel trapped by what you do.

2.) Even if you’re moving on, put in your best effort to until the very end. If it goes badly, you’ll never have to worry about whether or not you could have done better.

At the time of that conversation I was halfway through the practicum block and on the verge of having a week off for spring break, which is when I took that bus trip (and got sick, but anyway) and got some of the perspective and quiet time I needed. When I returned, the people I worked with noted a marked change in my attitude — probably due to my new realization that there was, in fact, a light at the end of the tunnel. I worked like crazy and finished the school year, then took time off from the Education program that eventually turned into a complete departure.

In the end, I am honestly very glad for the experience but I know now that it is just not where I’m supposed to be. Even if I’d managed to get over the stress, the last thing our education system needs is yet another teacher who doesn’t love his/her job and is just there to pick up a paycheque. Also I will never again begrudge teachers their summer holidays, because I have a good idea of how much they put up with for the other 10 months of the year. [June 13, 2012]